apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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