dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
