I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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