You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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