Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
