So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
