I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Help. Why am I so naked?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
