Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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