I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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