I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
