I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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