So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
