I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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