i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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