After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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