Non-Jews are for practice
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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