My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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