wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
