What a fucking waste of an outfit
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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