Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
