you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
