dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
