who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
