Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
