btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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