I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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