Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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