What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
