I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
