I wish my penis had an off switch
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
