now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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