is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
