we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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