Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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