i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
