her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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