he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
