before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
