Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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