you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
