Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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