Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
