I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
