I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
