kristin has been a bad kristin
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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