i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
