It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
