Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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