Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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