they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I had to cum in my sink.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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