Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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