i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
