I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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