i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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